


Knowing me, knowing you (aha)

by Elledritch



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman - Fandom
Genre: Bisexual Harleen Quinzel, F/F, First Meetings, Gay Edward Nygma, Gay Oswald Cobblepot, Harleen Quinzel Loves Pamela Isley, I think?, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Non-Explicit, One Shot, Oswald Cobblepot Loves Edward Nygma, Oswald being a great manager, Oswald is an old man who likes telling tales, Plot Twist, References to ABBA, Riddler is a jerk, The Iceberg Lounge, Trans Oswald Cobblepot, basically that, but not so much, just the title tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:07:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27711788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elledritch/pseuds/Elledritch
Summary: Harley is head over heels for Ivy, but she isn't sure Ivy feels the same. Oswald Cobblepot decides to tell Harley a story to inspire and motivate her to take the chance.
Relationships: Garfield Lynns/Drury Walker, Oswald Cobblepot & Edward Nygma, Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma, Pamela Isley & Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 11
Kudos: 44





	Knowing me, knowing you (aha)

Harley entered the Iceberg Lounge and ordered herself a drink at the bar. The place was filled with the most insane and feared criminals that the Batman had fought along the years. A quick check allowed Harley to spot Victor Fries chilling next to the aircon and having some iced tea; on the table right next to his Bane and the Scarecrow were immersed on some sort of intellectual debate, which was being moderated by the always flamboyant Riddler; Killer Moth and Firefly were glued to the big ass TV like the bugs they were, and Arnold Wanker -Wesker- was talking to an always angry Scarface. A bunch of lunatics she had treated some time ago, and now she was part of them, like a big happy and insane family. Ivy was there, too. She was caring for the plants that the Penguin had placed especially for her. Harley was nuts about her, head over heels, totally hooked on love for Ivy, but she was scared Ivy saw her as nothing more than just a friend. Or worse, a sister.

The Penguin, who had seen her sitting all alone and melancholic, had the kindness to sit next to her and give her some company. As greedy and annoying as he could be sometimes, Oswald had always been a gentleman and a great friend to her, he was one of the few who protected her from the Joker when they broke up while most didn’t take sides or tried to kill her to get the Joker’s favour, which was a total bummer.

“Harleen, it is a pleasure to see you’re quiet for once” the Penguin teased, “is everything okay, my dear?” 

Harley, who had been caught up looking at Ivy turned quickly to the Penguin and nodded suspiciously fast.

“Huh? Yes! All good, all great” she assured him. Her white cheeks slowly became red as she tried to hide her thoughts from the little man.

The Penguin was way too smart to bite for that, he raised one of his hairy eyebrows and stared at her like waiting for her to speak. He knew she would sooner or later.

“Well, fine! It’s just…” Harley tried to find the correct words to express what she had in her mind, “do you know anything about love, Pengy?”

The little bird-looking man seemed surprised about the question, impossible to tell if because he didn’t know what love meant or because it was simply a strange question.

“Tell me this isn’t about that crackhead Joker, please” Penguin begged. He really couldn’t stand the thought of that jerk playing with Harley no more.

“NO!” She punched the bar top so hard a few customers and security turned to look at her, “Ahem, I mean… No, it is not about him” clarified and waited for everyone to go back to their business.

“Thank god” the Penguin was relieved at the very least, “then whose is this about, kiddo? You fallen for Bane or something?” he teased again. Penguin loved Harley’s exaggerated reactions.

“Absolutely not, who do you take me for?” she laughed, “It’s… Well, it’s…” too scared to say it out loud in case she could hear it, Harley just pointed to Ivy with her head. Oswald understood instantly.

“I see” he nodded calmly while studying the red head, “so your taste has improved astronomically, that’s good” 

“Pengy! Shut up…” she felt embarrassed but flattered, “but she’s not into me, I don’t think so” she sighed melancholically. Her eyes transmitted a sadness that hurt Oswald deep in his heart, and nothing annoyed him more than being sad.

His face turned into a gesture of deep offense, like she had just insulted him personally. Harley got scared and shrunk in her seat, she grabbed her own pigtails as a protection.

“Doctor Harleen Frances Quinzel, is that self pity what I’m hearing?” The Penguin got up from his chair and approached her to stare right at her eyes. He wasn’t very tall so the difference wasn’t too big, but still darn intimidating.

“N-no, it’s just… I just don’t think she does!” Harley tried to excuse herself, intimidated by the Penguin’s fatherly attitude. 

To her relief, Penguin took a deep breath and relaxed, then sat down again next to her.

“Are you certain of your feelings?” he asked.

“Well, yes! At first I thought it was different, because the only love I’ve ever known is Joker’s, so when she showed me affection and I felt safe I thought it was like some friendship thing, y’know?” Harley explained to an attentive Penguin, “but then she looked at me one day after saving me from the Bats and… And her eyes were… And I was… I don’t know! It was crazy, but beautiful” concluded. Her whole face was red now and she couldn’t help but gaze at Ivy every now and then.

The Penguin hung on every word and nodded to make clear he was paying attention, he would smile at some of the words or gestures she made and when she was finished he cleared his throat.

“Would you mind if I tell you a story, Harleen?” an air of mystery surrounded the question and caught Harley’s full attention.

“You know I love your stories, Pengy” she gave him a harmless punch on the shoulder, just happy to share experiences with her friend.

“Right, so… Sit down and get ready, this is a story about love, confusion and overcoming one’s insecurities” explained Oswald while getting comfortable enough to start his story.

***

Our story is set a few years back from now, I had just opened the Iceberg Lounge and it was a total success. Both the most feared villains of Gotham and the most rich and famous people came every day to be the center of the attention, have some drinks and good food - and there was I, posing as the owner and rightful manager and making sure nobody made a mess of the place. Back then the Joker was still allowed in and you weren’t in the picture yet, and he would always make stupid bets with other villains to obtain what he wanted while having a laugh at it. I allowed it in exchange for him not messing with my staff nor me, of course.

One day the place was especially calmed and I was at the bar checking the stock to order next day’s delivery when a green, tall figure busted through the door directing all the attention to him and captivating every customer with just his looks and a smirk. He walked towards the bar and glanced at me, raising just one finger to order. I asked the bartender to pour him a drink and he laughed softly but mischievous. I decided I didn’t like him at that very moment. 

“This is a nice place” he said while taking a seat to enjoy his drink.

I had heard about him in the news and from other fellow criminals, and even saw him once placing some weird puzzles for Batsy to solve. I thought he was creative but wouldn’t last long, silly me. I disliked his confidence, it came out as plain douchebaggery to me, and I tried to avoid conversation as much as I could without losing a customer.

“Thank you, sir, I appreciate your words” I told him to please his ego in hopes he wouldn’t keep the conversation running.

“You’re Oswald Cobblepot, right? I’ve read a lot about you” to my disgrace, he continued talking.

“That’s me, good sir” I affirmed, “and you are the Riddler” I added, just to show him I wasn’t stupid.

He seemed flattered to know that I knew who he was. I wanted to punch him so bad I had to resist the urge by serving myself a glass of water.

“Well, indeed I am, I had no idea you knew me,” he said, a big smile on his face, “what are the odds, huh?”

“One does not run a business like this one without knowing a thing or two” I clarified, stating that my knowledge was greater than he thought.

“Of course, that makes perfect sense” he drank his beverage with ease, like he had all the time in the world to spend it talking to me. 

Finally, the bar went silent and I finished my task, only to move to the next one. Most of my duties were to sit by a laptop and manage technicalities - delivery orders, contact people and set up the best deals to make my place the safest in Gotham. You see, there’s a table at the Iceberg Lounge where I usually get all those things done while I drink a cup of coffee. I don’t like the solitude of the office and being surrounded by my customers allows me to keep an eye on the every day action and watch over my staff. But goddamn Riddler felt especially talkative that day, and as soon as I sat down there he was with his drink and big curious eyes staring at me.

“Can I help you?” I asked. First mistake.

“I was hoping we could talk over some drinks, actually” he admitted, and he probably thought that his puppy eyes would get him an instant yes.

“I have plenty of work to do here, sir, is it a business matter what you’d like to discuss?” I wanted to make sure the puzzle boy wasn’t offering something I might be interested in. I didn’t like him, but money is always welcome.

“Oh, I absolutely understand, my apologies” he hesitated to answer my question, “nothing serious, Mr. Cobblepot, one gets lonely and looks for companionship every now and then, but I would not dare to disrupt your work routine” 

The problem with Edward Nygma is that everything he says sounds suspiciously like flirting, so you never know when it’s for real or just the way he talks. At that moment I chose to see the man as a poor, lonely loser and I ordered him another drink. Nowadays I would’ve told him to get a Grindr account and leave me the heck alone. 

“I think I can put aside my duties for a couple of minutes, Mr. Riddler, but excuse me if I cannot join your drinking, alcohol during the shift is strictly forbidden even for me” I regretted setting up that rule at that very moment, but I stuck to it like a good manager.

We talked for hours, all my workers had gone home already and we stayed. I was finally able to pour myself a drink, so I took a nice bottle of red wine and served two cups. Edward was not only good looking but incredibly charming and smart, and I thought he’d be an interesting business partner. I found out we shared a taste for the arts, among other things, so talking to him was like a breath of fresh air. After knowing so many villains like the Joker, Bane or Killer Croc, it was nice to meet someone I could really conversate with.

After that night, Edward came back almost on a daily basis to the Iceberg Lounge, he’d always convince me to stay for a bit after closing, drink a few glasses of wine and then leave. I thought it was a nice friendship, for someone who has never known the experience of actual friendship, that is. I didn’t notice he was flirting until a few months had passed. We were talking about dancing and some famous Waltz we both enjoyed, we had had a few drinks more than usual and it was too late at night. He asked me to dance with him and I, uninhibited by the alcohol, accepted to dance with him. I have to admit I felt like a teenager at prom, only this time I wasn’t wearing a hideous dress my poor mother had bought for me.

I played the Waltz on the sound system and we danced slowly and knowingly, two people well educated on dance lessons sharing a moment of synergy that would’ve hypnotized even the Mad Hatter. We were two men, too, and I wasn’t sure if my feelings at that moment were right, but Edward made things easier just by smiling. While we danced my heart rate speeded up like crazy and he noticed. He took his chance right there and stole a kiss from my lips. I got so mad I took my knife and placed it on his neck.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Nygma?” I asked menacingly.

Edward swallowed deeply and was very careful to not move too much.

“Oswald, I’m sorry, it must have been the alcohol” he excused himself. A poor lie for such an intelligent man.

Neither of us was so dumb to believe each other’s lies, we both knew we wanted it, I just wasn’t ready to admit it yet because I didn’t understand why anybody would want me. But, damn, the man can be so persuasive. I put the knife down and back on my pocket, searching for his green eyes to find an answer to all my doubts. When our eyes crossed I knew he would ruin my life and I’d be thankful.

Nothing else happened that night, nor the next one, and that week felt boring and uneventful. I read in the papers that the Riddler was striking again with new riddles and puzzles, and the Batman was having some issues trying to solve them all. I was happy to know he was keeping himself busy and not just ignoring me, but a part of me wanted to see him again as soon as possible to fix the other night’s fiasco. He took a while, you know hiding from the GCPD and the Batman can be a pain in the ass sometimes. But he finally made it through the door one day, and I had his drink already on the way.

“Hey, Ozzie, is good to see you” he greeted me and accepted the drink with his casual flirty smile.

“Good to see you too, Nygma” I saluted him.

“Have you been lonely without me?” I thought it wasn’t that obvious, but nothing escaped the Prince of Puzzles’ attentive look.

“It’s been quieter than usual,” I admitted. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing I had missed him.

But he knew anyways.

“I see, I see” he stirred his drink in a specific way and then took a small sip, “you made this one, didn’t you?”

I thought he noticed because it’s been a while since I had practiced my cocktail skills, and I felt embarrassed at the sole thought of having messed up his drink, but I nodded in confirmation to his question.

“It tastes much better than it usually does, no offense to your bartender” Nygma clarified for me, an deeply insecure man.

“Well, that’s very kind of you to say, it’s been a while since I have prepared a drink for anyone but myself” I explained, though there was no need of explaining or excusing.

That night we stayed after closing again, and the days he was absent disappeared into the void. It felt like he had never left, and I wanted to feel like that every day of my life. I had fallen hard for him, I knew that, but I was always prepared to get my heart broken. We danced again, we kissed again, and I took him to the Cobblepot manor, where we spent a lovely night at my master bedroom. I would have never thought the so-called Prince of Puzzles could do half of the things we did that night, to be honest. I didn’t think I could do them either, due to my lack of experience. But we had a great time. 

Next morning I woke up first and I saw him sleeping next to me covered only by the exquisite fabric of my bed sheets. I thought he would have left by then, maybe stole some pieces of art. But there he was, and he looked like a beautiful sculpture bathed by the early sunlight. I didn’t want to wake him up, so I admired him from my position until he opened his eyes and smiled at me, sweet and sleepy.

“G’morning, Ozzie”

“Good morning, Edward” I smiled back at him, “breakfast?”

He crawled until his arms surrounded my waist and his head was resting on my chest. I never took him for a morning cuddles person, really, I was still processing the fact that he stayed. It was too nice to be true, but I let it slip for the moment.

“Breakfast sounds great,” he said, placing soft kisses around my scarred chest.

We spent some time in bed cuddling and whatnot, and when we were ready to get up we got dressed. I felt awkward and insecure to show my body so freely - maybe you haven’t noticed, but my appearance isn’t my best quality. He didn’t care, though, he seemed to like me the way I am. As I said, way too perfect to be true.

During breakfast Edward fell silent for a while, not because he was enjoying the home-made coffee or the vegan english breakfast -who knew our Riddler was a vegan? Totally nuts if you ask me- that he asked the chef for. There was something else in his mind, I noticed.

“Oswald, I need to ask you a favour” he finally said.

I knew it, of course, and I was pretty certain of what he was going to ask.

You see, a few months back, when Nygma started hanging around the Iceberg Lounge, I had stolen a very rare emerald that was being exhibited at the museum. Nobody really knew about it except for one person, the Joker. I bribed one of his men to give me some intel to steal the rock, and his tongue might’ve slipped. That’s why I cut it whole and had it bathed in silver, so he would never slip it again.

The Joker was pissed off about me stealing the rock and also using and hurting his men. Not because he was worried or anything, but because he hadn’t thought about it first. You know how he is, so I’ll save details. The thing is, Joker studied and observed me for a while, and then Edward Nygma came into the scene, charming as ever and very interested in me. I knew there was a catch, I just couldn’t put the pieces together yet. Thank god Riddler is all about giving off clues.

“What is it, Ed?” I pretended to not know, a convincing act on my part.

“Well, you see, I’ve read so much about you” he started by trying to appeal to my ego, a nice try, “and I am brilliant, you know that” then appealing to his own ego for no reason, “I followed all the clues, and I know you are the one who stole the emerald” at this point I was just getting tired of listening.

“Your point?” I replied. It was obvious by my face that I was not happy.

“Would you let me see it?” he asked politely.

I was one or three steps ahead of him so I felt pretty confident with it.

“But of course, that's the least I can do” I assured him.

I got on my feet and showed him the way to the safe where I kept the rock. He admired it from a distance and then extended his hand to touch it. I didn’t oppose nor prevent him from doing so, I just waited patiently. He took it and turned to me.

“So this is what the Joker was so crazy about?”

The elephant was in the room and nobody was ignoring it anymore.

“Correct” I confirmed calmly, “did he send you to retrieve it?” 

I noticed his eyes flickering with disbelief. He thought himself so smart, but I got him right where I wanted.

“You knew all along?” he asked, humiliated.

“No, not all along, but I knew there was something strange about your interest in me this past few months” I explained, “I gotta say, Nygma, you take time to do your job but the execution is brilliant, I believe congratulations are in order” I walked towards him and smiled triumphantly.

He swallowed, probably scared of getting killed for all he’d done, and said nothing for a while, so I kept the conversation going for once.

“Don’t worry, Eddie, I’ll make you an offer” 

He looked at me, puzzled but interested.

“I will let you walk away with the emerald right now” I offered, to his surprise.

“But?” he was dying to know the catch. It was a riddle for him.

“You won’t come anywhere close to me ever again” I sentenced with severity in my voice and look, “you’re allowed in the Iceberg Lounge but you won’t talk directly to me, and if you dare to even say 'Hello' I will kill you in cold blood right where you stand”

Knowing what I know now about Edward Nygma I would’ve found strange all the time he took to think about my offer, but even then I thought he was taking way too long to give me an answer when the options were so unbalanced. He finally took the rock and pressed his lips on a soft smile.

“Then I believe this is goodbye, Oswald” he said, to no one’s surprise.

“Tell the Joker I said hi, and that we’re even” 

The Riddler left that instant with the rock safely kept on a locked box. I wanted desperately to take the day off and spend the day torturing some fool to lift up my spirits, but I forced myself to get ready and open the Iceberg Lounge. Some honest work would be just as fine as torturing someone, I thought.

Things went back to normal, but I knew I would never love anyone the way I loved him. True love is a one time thing, Harleen, and when it's in front of you, you just take the chance and never let it go.

***  
"And that's IT? No happy ending? He just took your stupid rock and left you? After MORNING CUDDLES?" Harley complained in total outrage and disbelief.

“Okay, maybe my story was too long and doesn’t have a moral to it, but what I was trying to say is… When you know, you know, and nothing should stop you from taking what you want and enjoying it while you can” the Penguin explained.

Harley was all teary and sniffing like a little dog. A rush of raw and uncontrolled anger possessed her and she got up from her seat, her fists tightly closed, and without saying anything she turned and went to where the Riddler was still moderating the debate to punch him in the face.

“You are a total jerk!” She shouted, the security got alert but the Penguin stopped them from acting.

“It’s okay, boys, let them play” he told his guards.

The Riddler turned to Harley, deeply insulted by the girl’s out of nowhere behaviour.

“What the hell, Quinn?” he asked while rubbing his hurt cheek.

“Oswald deserves someone better than you! He deserves someone who loves him and doesn’t use him to get STUPID ROCKS!” She was way too angry and security was about to take her out of the room despite Oswald ordering to stop.

Poison Ivy, who hadn’t been paying attention until the punch took place, went to assist Harley and try to calm her down by taking her hand.

“Hey, girl… Relax, okay? You made your point” she said it with her sweet, calm voice, and Harley couldn’t help but melt at the look in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Ivy, I… I didn’t want to bother you” she managed to say while holding her hand tightly.

Ivy smiled widely and shook her head. Harley understood then what Penguin told her about knowing when the feeling’s right. She knew it was right, just like he knew. Harley took her chance and kissed Ivy impulsively in front of everyone. Nobody was surprised, really, but full of joy to see her finally happy. They were perfect for each other, after all. She noticed Ivy didn’t pull herself apart, but rather she was following her kiss. Everything was just perfect.

While the moment took place, the Riddler went to the Penguin’s encounter and sat next to him, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow in sign of indignation. His cheek was still red from the punch.

“You forgot to tell her how it all ended,” he complained.

Oswald smirked and looked at the girls while raising his hand, in which an emerald stone ring could be easily seen. He looked at his ring with tenderness and turned back to him.

“I needed her to get mad so Ivy would involve herself in, it was a now or never situation” he explained, rather entertained.

“Clever move, Cobblepot” the Riddler accepted, pulling himself close to him and leaning on his shoulder, “Joker’s still sore about it, you know? The rock, I mean” 

“Ah, I will never forget the look on his face when you came that night with the ring and asked me out, poor idiot thought he had won and then BAM! Striked by the Riddler" The Penguin laughed and kissed his forehead.

“I had someone take a picture and frame it as a birthday gift for you” the Riddler laughed with him.

“You know, Eddie… At the moment I thought you would take the rock and run away from me” admitted the Penguin “I sometimes wonder why you didn’t, you could have anyone you like".

The Riddler lifted his head to look at him in the eyes and frowned. He then took his hands tightly and got very serious.

“My dear, I know you think badly about yourself because people have been mean to you” he stopped to kiss the back of his hand, “but I love you, and I knew I would love you forever since we waltzed in this very room. I am a criminal, but I would never betray that love, Ozzie” Edward talked with such honesty that Oswald felt guilty for ever doubting him.

Moved by his lover’s speech, the Penguin held his hands tightly and smiled.

“Thank you for loving me honestly, Edward" he smiled.

“Thank you for accepting it, Oswald” his lover replied before kissing him softly.

**Author's Note:**

> Oooh boi, first fanfic I ever published !! I'd like to apologize for my surely innumerable grammar mistakes, my mother tongue ain't English but I do my best! I also wrote this piece at 4AM because I really have no self-control.
> 
> Make sure to leave some comments and stuff, I really appreciate feedback.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I did when I wrote it!!
> 
> -Elliot


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